It's lovely to add structure to Luce's rambling, poorly-spelled nonsense.
So Luce, with her high-profile advertising whatever job, is out most of the day. I mean, wow, she must wake up about six hours earlier than I do. Like the unemployed slackster that I am, I roll out of bed nearing lunchtime and begin the arduous task of watching a lot of home improvement shows.
Ralf and I have decided that these shows cater to housewives by having a charming yet goofy handsome young man play host.
Ralf and I watch a lot of television together, since he lives in our building and works as a delivery boy at night. Generally he doesn't even knock; I just unlock the door en route to the kitchen, knowing he'll come barging in at some point, telling me to deliver Chinese food. He's an adorable kid from Ecuador, would find that oh-so-enchanting if he wasn't quite gay. His English is perfect, except for when he mixes up words "to sound sexier". You must admit, not sharing a common language is very sexy.
So we decided to appraise the charming and adorable hotties of home repair. I feel a sigh is in order. I'm a TLC whore, so about all but one or two are from that channel. (Hey, find a channel with more home improvement shows that isn't HGTV, then!) But don't believe my judgement: watch every show yourself.
1. Evan Farmer. -- The host of TLC's While You Were Out. A hearty sigh is most definitely in order. I'll pause for that.
Upside: Not only does he have rippling muscles (alright, maybe not, but's in shape! Take a walk down 68th and you'll appreciate a guy who doesn't say no to a few push ups) but he has a sense of humor, and a heavenly singing voice. Don't tell me I'm the only one who remembers 2GE+HER!
Downside: That Kermit-The-Frog-Esque voice gets a little annoying in the voice-overs, especially when you realize his normal voice doesn't really sound like that.
Grade: A solid A.
2. Marc Goldberg. -- You may not know this guy. Host of TLC's In A Fix. A cuteish, mid-thirtiesish Jewish guy
Upside: Hilarious! Occasionally wears "bling" ironically - obviously a not-quite-fit Jewish guy can't quite pull it off, and sometimes resorts to mocking homeowners in order to make them do work. Ex. "Oh man, if I knew this guy was going to be such a whiny crybaby, I wouldn't have come all the way out here." He once referred to himself as a "piece of sweetly toned meat".
Downside: Another guy with an annoying voice-over voice, except his voice is sort of weirdly high all the time. Also, like I said, he's not in top shape - I mean, he's thinnish, but he has an odd sort of beer-gut that's only noticeable once or twice an episode.
Grade: A respectable B.
3. Tyler Harcott. -- host of Style Network's Guess Who's Coming To Decorate?
Upside: Another funny jerk, but go lightly on the "jerk". Very good-looking, very helpful, and usually helps the surprise guest assimilate to the designer's, um, design. Might be Canadian too, which is always a plus. (Did I mention foreign appeal yet?)
Downside: Hosts a show on FOX.
Grade: A shady B- for his dealings with shady FOX
4. Joe Farrell. -- host of TLC's Trading Spaces: Family, oldish for the "hot young host" genre but is likeable all the same
Upside: Seemingly very sweet, charming, and good-natured, good with kids and parents (ha-HA!) without sounding patronizing to either. Sort of good looking, in a "Look at that man playing with his dog, how adorable" sort of way.
Downside: Really likes kids. I mean, he seems to really like kids, far and away beyond the call of duty. Also, Ralf thinks he might be gay.
Grade: B+, if you like husband-material
5. Douglas Wilson. -- Jackass designer on TLC's Trading Spaces. If you don't like Doug, you're nothing to me.
Upside: A hilariously selfish and egotistical jerk whose designs are generally gorgeous. Very cool-looking, with his smooth outfits and interesting hair. Somehow I have the feeling that he isn't really that much of a jerk, that he's really just a kitten deep down. ("A sexy kitten with a knack for design," says Ralf) On one episode he purred very sexily. 'Nuff said.
Downside: Hmm, I guess that jerkiness could sort of be obnoxious, but frankly, I don't see it.
Grade: A just for being Douglas F. Wilson (M.D.)
6. Bob Villa. -- There's something to be said for the old standards. Host of This Old House (as if you didn't know that!), this classy guy just keeps getting better and better with time. Naturally, it isn't my point to say that Bob Villa is attractive or sexy: oh, NO! But wow, Bob Villa is a man among boys, relatively, in this world of home improvement, a fine wine that keeps getting better, a sturdy pillar of craftsmanship and simple skillz. Therefore he needs no upsides or downsides! Bob Villa simply IS.
Grade: A++ because Bob Villa is awesome.